Casual Sex

Things felt very different after our lunch date. My Love was very attentive and verbally affectionate. It was clear that he missed me and what we shared but he continued to struggle with being tied down. 

At this point I was still seeing both Muscles and My Friend and was not about to give up those options to be in an uncertain relationship with my Love. If he needed there to be no restrictions placed on him, then there would be none on me as well. 

At this point I was fine with dating My Love while we both also dated others. Having found my two other options made the idea of My Love being out on a date with someone else more bearable. Although I felt no real love interest in either man, Muscles and his weird make-out style was entertaining…as was the fact that he was well endowed, and my Friend was just fun and nice to talk to. 

My Love had a much harder time at this stage than I. For weeks he struggled with the knowledge that I was seeing other men, yet he didn’t want to commit to exclusivity.  I think what he really wanted was something with no labels and for me to just give up my other men. This was not going to happen unless we both considered ourselves exclusive and I told him so.

Eventually My Love came to the conclusion that he no longer could live with sharing me. He stated that he had told the other women he was seeing/chatting with, that he was only going to be seeing me and we labelled ourselves exclusive yet again.

I was happy that My Love came to this decision on his own, without demands or coercion by me…but my worry that it wasn’t truly what he wanted would prove to be our much bigger problem.

On being dominant

I wrote this in January….

I am writing this as I get ready for a fun night of power exchange play with my love.

Quite honestly, I would never think that in sexual role playing I would ever play the dominant. While I am dominant in my real life and my work..I tend to want to be taken care of and nurtured by my sexual partner. 

My love most certainly has dominant traits and apparently a hand that loves spanking..and usually during our love making he refers to me being his “good little girl”. And I swoon. He also has a submissive side that he yearns to let loose..so tonight we shall indulge this.

I have a bustier that I bought years ago when I was going to try to spice up my marriage, but my husband never saw it. It has sat in the bag at the bottle of my closet for 3 years. It is not really the proper colors for a dominant…it is cream with red flowers..but I feel matching it with my black leather strap on and some black heels in addition to my black and red crops might just fit what I need it for right now. 

I am so nervous. We have set our safe word and for months now have talked about his submissive desires so I am pretty sure I will be doing what he likes but I do worry that it won’t be good enough. I know he would enjoy a real experience with a dominatrix but I am just not sure if that is me. 

I guess tonight we will find out!

On love..

We started our “break” with my Love telling me that he loved me. This was a shock to me as although I knew that he cared..he had also told me for months that “love” not going to happen to/with him…he didn’t feel he had the capacity to have those feelings outside of his marriage and family. I was meant to be a piece of happiness on the side. Not make my way to his heart. 

All along I was okay with this and I understood his position. So when he typed those words “Sassy I love you”..I was shocked, happy and angry..all at once. 

Here I was having come to the conclusion weeks earlier that he was firmly in my heart, but I would never share it for fear of scaring him away..for fear of being too much. And here he was, telling me what I longed to hear just as he was walking away.

And I let him walk away because he needed to explore. I couldn’t make him mine.

So when  we talked again..one month later, I didn’t bring it up.  We confessed missing each other and wanted to save a friendship but could not offer each other more than that. 

We met for lunch and caught up on our lives. We met at an out of the way lunch spot that was far from both of our work places so that we could hug if we needed to. Boy did we need to. The sizzle in the air would have been obvious to anyone around us.  I think I spent most of the lunch staring at his face. Memorizing his expressions, listening to his stories. My heart thumping wildly each time his hand would brush mine. 

We sat in my car to say good bye at the end of our lunch. Simultaneously we leaned in for a good bye kiss that turns out was the most passion and heart felt kiss I have ever experienced. As he reached for the door handle he whispered “I meant what I said you know”…and I returned the sentiment with an “I love you too” as he closed the door. 

In all honesty

I had started chatting with  both muscles and my new Friend almost immediately after my lover and I ended things so that he could pursue other relationship experiences.  I had been clear with what I needed. I want a monogamous relationship  (in addition to my marriage). I have zero interest in dating a large volume of men. I want one man that I adore whom I can explore with sexually. He was also open about his need to see what else was out there..as being tied down right at the beginning of opening his marriage wasn’t something that he was sure he wanted. Fair enough. 

1 week after our separation he reached out. He missed me, and I him. Nothing had changed for either of us, however, and we still couldn’t meet each other’s needs. I didn’t want to share him and he wanted to explore. 

I was already chatting with Muscles and my friend at this point but hadn’t made any plans to meet them in person. When we decided to stop contact again something in me snapped. I felt this urge to rebel and act out sexually and that is what I did. I almost immediately arranged first meeting dates with both men in the same week. This dates quickly progressed to sexual intimacy but in the end I still found myself missing my Lover.

Around the one month mark I reached out to say hi. Although I was not actually “over him”, I thought that I could actually pursue friendship with him. I found that the thought of him being intimate with someone else didn’t bother me as much as it had when we started our “break”. I wanted to know how he was doing and if that meant hearing that he was happily pursuing things with someone else, so be it.

Although I wanted more with him, I missed our daily chats and being a part of each other’s world. Fortunately he felt the same.

Making (out) Friends

Around the same time I connected with Muscles..I also made a connection with another man I can now call my Friend. He has been in an open marriage for well over a decade and has found it easier to speak in terms of “friendships”. 

Where I might say “I’m going out on a date” he would say “I’m spending time with a friend”. While I understand that this terminology works for him and his wife, I found it difficult to get used to.  We had been chatting a few weeks before finally meeting in person and when he would say he was going out with friends or a friend  I would never know if he meant an actual friend or a date. A few times I clarified and it turns out it was just with an actual friend, but I hated how clarifying really highlighted my insecurity.

I have to say that my Friend is an absolute sweet heart. Hilarious and kind, flirty and fun. He is quick with the compliments buy not insincere. Our coffee date went so well we decided to get together later that week to see how far our chemistry extended. There was no pressure for intimacy and he made it clear that I could take it as slow as I needed to. 

As I was still reeling from the loss of my Lover, I moved things along farther with my Friend than I should have.  We were intimate twice over the course of the month that I was seeing him. The sex was fun and he was incredibly attentive. I loved it. The second time we were together we visited a sex club that he and his wife frequent with friends. We hung out fully clothed in the main bar area and I met his wife, her Friend and other couples they have known for years. It was a good evening and ended with my Friend and I having some pretty energetic sex in one of the private rooms. I wasn’t yet ready a public display and of course he was willing to go at my speed.

The thing with my Friend is that he is a fabulous guy; makes contact daily, makes me laugh regularly, keeps me apprised of the goings on in his life and asks me about me.

My Friend is perfect, except for one glitch. 

He isn’t my Lover.