Grief 

I’m currently cycling through the stages of grief like a tornado of destructive emotions. Funny how i can feel all the stages at one time. 

Denial – I tell myself he is going to regret this and reach out to me in a moment of sadness, wanting me back (I know he won’t).

Anger – Angry that three weeks ago he told me he missed me so much even before I drove away, to the point he felt separation anxiety. Only to reveal to me now (3 weeks later) that he was thinking he needs a break from the physical act of dating…that he wanted to not go on dates for awhile. Angry that he gives me emotion and love only to take it away when I feel at my happiest.

Bargaining – telling myself that maybe I can be less needy…that I can give him more space and accept whatever little attention he throws my way between his “moody periods” (so pathetic sounding I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Depression – the sadness. Oh the fucking sadness. Do I have to get out of bed??
 
Acceptance – Yeah. I’m not there yet.

Heart Break

It was the best of times

It was the worst of times

And now I feel numb

I think I might be experiencing shock but at the same time I am not surprised at all. Is that possible?

It seems that my happiness with my lover was always meant to be short lived. To happen in small doses and then be followed by a complete crashing of emotions…and lots of pain. 

We had a great time away together. Two nights…the Saturday spent skiing..followed by a lovely dinner made together and lots of wine. Sex multiple times each day.

When we got back to the car park at the end of our travels together and I left him brushing the snow off of his car, I pulled away thinking of how happy I was. He messaged me later to tell me that he had a weird feeling of separation anxiety before getting into his car, that he was missing me already even before he drove away. My heart melted reading those words. He has such an ability to melt my heart. 

He also has such an ability to break it. 

Two weeks I was able to live on the high from that weekend. Feeling like we were in such a solid place. I had my husband and my kids in my real world and I had my lover in my other life. The life of less responsibility..of dating and fun. It felt perfect. 

But then he had a fight with his wife and his mood quickly deteriorated. He said it had nothing to do with me but he continued to pull away. I didn’t hear “I miss you” or “I love you” anymore. I didn’t hear affection in his tone. Of course I confronted him on the fact that he was again pulling away from me. He didn’t deny that he was but couldn’t explain why it was happening. We arranged an overnight and it felt different. It felt like he was going through the motions. I was as well. When I sense my partner doesn’t care, or is losing feelings for me, my passion and burning lust begins to fade and I just can’t give more than I receive.

I have needed to stop giving. I needed to give up. 

We talked about how things are going and he admitted that he wasn’t sure what his feelings for me were at this point. He felt he would miss me terribly and be miserable without me but that he couldn’t give me enough emotion to have me stay. He was willing to let me go. That was all that I needed to hear.

And now I grieve. 

3.5 months

The months following our break up and rekindling of our romance were  not without our ups and downs. 

The first month was amazing. He showed me and told me how much he missed me and loved me. Hotel rooms were decorated by him with candles and soft music. His physical affection towards me was out of this world. I could feel the shift that now in our intimate times we were making love…this was no longer just fucking. 

But just before Christmas it all broke apart. Again. He had seemed to start to grow distant. Then he went to a Christmas party where he says a woman flirted with him and he felt badly that he couldn’t flirt back. I suggested that perhaps this meant that he needed to be free to date other people. I was hurt and he was angry. We argued back and forth for a couple of days and things turned ugly when he decided to share all of our fight details with his wife and then he would share with me the things that she was saying about our fight. He had also told me in that same time that he and his wife had sex with one another the night of the Christmas party. They had not been having sex for about a year.His wife decided that perhaps I was upset that they had been intimate, which was entirely NOT the case..but he decided that she was right and that my feelings of upset were related to this. They weren’t. I wasn’t insecure about his relationship with her..I was insecure in the thought that he wanted to flirt and still date others but wasn’t being up front about this.

In the weeks after our fight we managed to make up and things returned to loving behavior from him. I was able to feel secure again and we had our fun night with me in charge . This bonded us more yet again and I felt great about where our relationship was at.

Unfortunately my lover is a moody creature with many ups and downs. Again he started to pull away. I shared with him about how this made me feel. How unwanted it left me and that I wished for some uninterrupted time with him. He assured me that regardless of the funk he was in, the fights he was having at home, that he did want to be in our relationship.  We planned a ski weekend away and I was on top of the world.