The man who inspired the last post on heartbreak was a fun and energetic Fireman. Or so I thought.
Well…he definitely was a Fireman…but it turned out he wasn’t as fun and energetic as he initially portrayed.
In our early conversations we talked about the various things we wanted to do together, hiking, mountain biking, adventure races…but as time went on he admitted to me that many times he prefers to just sit in his garage and drink. Or sit on his couch and drink. Or get together with his family and drink. I’m sure we can all see the pattern here.
The drinking wasn’t really much of a problem for me although I am not much of a drinker myself. It was more the fact that in the early weeks of our dating that he presented himself to be someone that he is not. I believe he was presenting himself as someone he would like to be and perhaps someone he thought I would want him to be but I don’t think he was intending to be so misleading.
I’m an active person and I like to do things to challenge myself, although I love a lazy day on the couch as much as the next person. I enjoy being affectionate, spending time with a guy I am interested in and I like some level of daily contact to at least touch base and show interest…especially in the early days. The Fireman also portrayed himself in the same way and fed into my desires with daily contact…random “thinking about you” texts and through a lot of physical affection during our dates.
My marriage was still considered “open” at that point and he told me repeatedly that he was okay with the situation and respected where I was at. But apparently this wasn’t the case.
Over the next couple of months he would begin to demonstrate some pursuing/fleeing behavior. He initially pulled away (fleeing) indicating that he was thinking of reuniting with an ex..only to change his mind and want me back. He then admitted that he wasn’t as okay with my open marriage as he thought he was and when we reunited it was after he found out that the marriage status wss chafing to “separated”.
He pursued again for two weeks but then started to pull away again only to later disclose that he felt we were too different because I like to be active and busy where as he likes to lounge on his couch and in his garage etc. I talked about how balance is good and he began to pursue again, telling me that I would be good for his motivation to get out and do things.
And then he pulled away again as he felt our differences in our sex drive and my desire for affection were too great. I am a touchy/feely person, and although he claimed in the beginning to be this way as well.. it turned out he wasn’t. He likes to climb into a shell and sit and think and when this is happening he doesn’t want to have to think of being affectionate towards someone else. When I asked for affection this caused him to pull away which in turn made me want to chase harder. What I was chasing was the man he claimed to be in the early weeks…but he was not truly that man. He acknowledged to me, as we ended things for the final time last week, that as strong as he started off with attention and affection, that it was just too much for him to maintain and he did not want to be expected to maintain that level of behavior. I understood but felt rejected at the same time.
I really just wish people could be consistent in how they behave and present themselves.
All in all I am doing okay as my infatuation with him starts to fade. I realize now that over the past few months I was changing myself to fit his needs and that is never a good sign. I like me…and if he chooses to let me go well then he never deserved me in the first place.