At the 3 month mark he asked if he was going to have to write and pass an exam to officially become my boyfriend. I debated actually making up at test, but said that the real test was whether we would keep our profiles on the dating apps. In his many years of dating since his divorce 8 years earlier he has never taken his profile down while in a relationship.
We talked it over and decided to delete our profiles altogether. I didn’t ask him to or push him to, I let him know it was really up to him and I was good either way. I will still married after all. He showed me his profiles as he deleted them and realized he felt good with this decision.
When we had been away and I found the flirty text from his “just a friend”, I felt hurt and disappointed. He was the one that was pushing our relationship beyond the casual stage…so I didn’t understand why he would still be making plans with other women. He insisted he wasn’t.
On the way home from our weekend away we talked it over and I agreed to keep seeing him. We had so much fun together, had amazing chemistry and at that point the relationship was offering me everything I was looking for.
A couple more months went by. Road trips and many fun moments. We spent time with each other’s friends. As the kids knew that mommy and daddy were separated, I introduced them to and we spent a couple of times together with my kids.
One day I was working from my home and he was working from his. I received a text from my sister that said something along the lines of “hey this guy looks like Allan!” And she sent a screen shot of a POF profile. Sure enough…it was him.
My heart sank a little but I was not entirely surprised. He even sent a message to her, something funny about her profile but not flirty really. She didn’t respond.
I phoned and asked gently “hey when did you go back online??”. He attempted to act ask though he had no idea what I was talking about and I let him know he had reached out to my sister. He talked about being in a dark place the night before and needed a confidence boost so went online to get the thrill of matches. I could understand the draw and addiction that matching with people, and flirting, can bring but I was so disappointed that he couldn’t just be honest with me. I was in an open marriage for Pete’s sake! If anyone could understand what he was going through it would be me.
We talked through it and he insisted that he still wanted to be with me, he wanted to go on our trip to Vegas where he had a work conference. We had planned to meet up with some of his friends there.
I told him that I would still date him because we always had such a fun time together and we did so many things together, BUT we were both free to see other people. I told him that I had no desire to go back online, life was too busy and I enjoyed my free time with him, but that he was welcome to stay online, and date to his hearts content. I discussed that as long as he was making time for me, as I was for him, I was fine with us not being exclusive.
Two nights later we went to a concert together that he had planned for us to attend. Afterwards we went to his home and I asked to see his dating profile. He claimed he wasn’t on it but that he had not yet deleted it. I looked at what he had written and laughed that the description of what he was looking for was everything we had together. The only exception is that I have kids in grade school and he would like someone with older teens who are about to leave the home.
While in his phone, with him beside me, I clicked onto his messages and saw the name Christine, which I had seen pop up every now and then. I looked at their chat…again he was beside me and knew I was snooping…and was surprised by what I found.
A few weeks earlier he had been off to a conference in San Francisco. I didn’t accompany him as I was going to be attending the one in Vegas with him two months later. In his chat with Christine they are were discussing this conference and he offered to share his hotel room with her and she took him up on this offer. I asked him about what I just read and he tried to insist they were “just friends” and that they each had their own queen bed. I quickly reminded him that we had been texting when he arrived there and he sent me a picture of his room with a gorgeous king size bed. He didn’t know what to say.
I was done. The trust was gone. Had this taken place after we agreed to go exclusive I would have had no issue with it, but the continual lies were just too much.
Our relationship ended just over a year ago now. He still reaches out and we chat. I will always remember all the amazing fun times we had together. Through our time together I remembered how much fun it can be to get out there and explore. To try new things, new foods and to look for adventure. While our ending was disappointing I truly feel okay with how things turned out.