A letter to “B” – 2 years post affair

Just sitting here thinking that I really do miss what we had.

I don’t mean the amazing lengthy sex sessions. I more so mean the connection that we had.

As it turns out nice cocks and good stamina are not that hard to find…but it’s really hard to find someone who is able to take you on a good sexual journey together.

We started out our time together so basic in what we were doing…just kissing and fucking. From there we started getting closer and you managed to take me from being afraid to give you a bj in that parking lot in W(name of city)  to wanting to suck your cock anytime I was near it and wanting to swallow too. Together we progressed to sharing our fantasies and then moving on to living some of them out. Having fun with that ridiculous tub of lube, trying to rub our lubed bodies together without falling off the bed and breaking our necks, to visiting sex clubs, nude beaches and the failed attempt at a (not so) sexy foursome. I feel like all of that just evolved and came about so naturally without one of us rushing the other and was able to progress because of our trust and comfort with one another. I truly believe we had an amazing connection and part of me will always love  you.

Sorry for all the blathering…just having a melancholy moment realizing how very hard that connection is to find. I hope you’re well and had a wonderful birthday. xo

Passion and Chemistry 

For me the real way to determine chemistry is through kissing. 

I absolutely LOVE to kiss. I love long sessions of kissing and touching and exploring.  

During my 2+ year affair my AP and I started out fast and furious. We had a lot of chemistry and passion with a lot of kissing but this always quickly led to fucking.  We were not patient enough to take our time exploring each other. We went through a phase of kinky exploration and eventually returned to more vanilla activities with just slowing things down.. seeing how long we could kiss and touch for before both of us would explode. It was fun and involved SO MUCH KISSING.

My lover from last year was someone who also enjoyed kissing but often he was quick to want to get to the penetration with little exploration of each other’s bodies. Over our 8 months together we did eventually get to a point where we would experience the most passionate make out sessions. We had great sexual chemistry. It was during a kiss that we realized that we loved each other (though neither of us said the words til much later) and although we would have far to many heated verbal fights, these would be followed by the most passionate kissing.

I love the deep intense kissing that can follow an upsetting moment. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I initiated arguments in times when I wanted that adrenalin and high that occurred during the post argument make-up intimacy.

In my current world I seem to have found a man who doesn’t enjoy kissing and this is causing me to question our chemistry.

We are attracted to each other, the sex is good, but sadly it involves very little, if any, kissing. And I miss it.

I feel like the sex is sometimes just going through the motions with no real passion and Chemistry because I need his lips on mine to really feel that connection.

I have told him that this is the case, that I love kissing and his mouth on mine….sadly he has responded to this in an immature way and has made very little effort towards improving this. Perhaps he just doesn’t like kissing in general or maybe he doesn’t like kissing me in particular. I have tried to talk about this subject a few times….thinking that if he doesn’t like kissing in general then I would not take it personally and I would stop wanting this so much…but he just chooses to turn it into me being too demanding in needing affection.

I’m torn as to what to do. I enjoy his company and he has been fun to be around. 

But the kissing. I clearly am not getting enough of it and I miss it. I miss that feeling of great passion. I guess I just don’t know if it’s worth giving up all the other great qualities for. I’m not sure. But God, what I wouldn’t give for one deep passionate, emotionally connecting kiss right now.

Time flies

I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I also can’t believe that it was only two days after my last post that I met another man who took my mind off of my heartbreak. 

It’s funny how that happens.

I still have occasional chats with my lover but I have no desire to reunite with him. Looking back on our 8 months together I realize it was a lot of work to keep up with his behavior of being close and then distancing himself. He still doesn’t view his behavior as being negative in anyway and continues to “blame” me for ending our relationship because I “wanted too much”. I have given up trying to explain my perspective..he doesn’t see it.

As for the new fellow..we met on a dating app and chatted for all of one day before deciding to meet in person. He is hilarious…he makes me smile and laugh frequently during our dates. He has his issues…as I also have mine…but for now we have been enjoying each other’s company and having such a good time.