Sept 19

I hate feeling this way.

He goes from hot to cold so fast and it makes me wonder if something else is going on. But he has given me no reason to distrust him so I can’t even ask “is there someone else you are chasing?”.

Wednesday morning we are talking and he says “does it feel like we have been getting closer in the last few weeks? Maybe it’s the natural progression of dating and getting to know one another but it feels like that to me and it’s nice”. I agreed with the feeling and we continued talking more.

Wednesday night we meet and I give him a fantastic blow job in his car. After licking and sucking him to completion I had intended to leave and go home but when his lips touched mine to say goodbye the passion wouldn’t let me go.

I have to say that in the backseat of his car we had some of our best kissing to date. Like amazing kissing. He then proceeded to fuck me silly before finally conceding that we needed to leave.

The next day he was so happy and was sending messages saying what a great time he had. Then in the evening he sends a message of a recording of a snippet of a song he likes which has a lyric stating “I’m ready for your love”. He explained that when he was driving home he heard that line and thought of me.

He also added:
“You did something to me yesterday. I don’t know what witchcraft that was but it was something.  I’m not sure I should let you give me BJs lol”

He was very sweet and affectionate the rest of Thursday. Then Friday morning he wakes up tired and is grumpy with a headache and a cold sore. We met at the hotel as planned that evening and although we had sex three times, there was no kissing due to the cold sore (I get them on my mouth as well so it was really not a deterrent to still having intercourse). This occasion, however, things felt distant and impersonal. 

Saturday we parted with a hug and things have not been the same since.  In our chats he feels distant and not affectionate. There are few kissy smileys, no calling me beautiful or by the affectionate nickname he has for me..etc. 

It just hurts. 

September 

This is a month of some ups and downs for us. 

This month I learned that although we are exclusive, he has still indulged in having online profiles and continued chatting with women he chatted to before our date. Of course he says that he is “just looking at pictures” but I feel like it could mean something more. Only time will tell.

When lovers speak

I started saving snippets of our conversations about one month into our dating. I had noticed that there were some genuinely sweet comments My Lover would make to me and I wanted to hold onto them. 

I really wish I had started doing that sooner. There was something he said to me after our first date that I wish I could recall exactly as he said it. 

Our first date was at a restaurant in my city, where I live and he works. Through dinner the conversation flowed and I noticed him looking at me, but not in a way that would indicate that he was “checking me out”. We didn’t touch at all and when we said goodbye in the parking lot afterwards we had a brief awkward hug. In all honestly I was not sure what he thought of me or even  what I thought of him. There weren’t any major “sparks” but it felt “nice”.

The  next day when we were talking about our first meeting he said that during dinner he felt quite “taken” with me…that he found he just enjoyed watching me talk and eat..and that he found it charming how I would tuck my hair behind my ear while chatting. He also made a comment about liking things about me that he never had thought he enjoyed previously. Now, I am not quite sure what these things are and I never asked at the time, but I can only assume that it’s related to my very casual sense of style. His wife is very fashionable and trendy. I, on the other hand, am more of a ‘jeans and T-shirt’ sort of girl. I don’t wear much makeup (usually none) and rarely wear jewelery. My “dressing up” for the date was probably what he may consider “very casual”. I’ve always felt conscious of the idea that maybe he would prefer someone who is more professional and done up, but he has never brought this up. 

But back to the snippets. I love this collection of sweet thoughts and sentiments I have collected.  They helped me get through the few emotionally difficult moments we have had and they serve as a reminder that although I won’t ever be able to have him for my own…I do have these moments in time.  

An affair of the heart

My Lover is not the first man I have been with during my marriage, but he will likely be my last. 

During a difficult period in my life I strayed from my marriage and eventually fell in love with my affair partner. I blogged about this on a blog called “Where does love go from here”. Well, I learned it lead to heartache. Eventually the affair ended, I confessed my sins to my husband, and after I finally felt healed I deleted the blog.

Rather than end my marriage and rip apart my family,  My Husband and I decided to instead have an open marriage. Over the course of the past couple years I have had a handful of lovers while My Husband has pursued friendships with other women. It’s important to note that he considers himself to be “a-sexual”. He is very aware of My lover and permits me to spend one night a week away from home. 

My Lover’s marriage is also open. Their marriage is not for me to discuss on the Internet but his wife is aware of my existence and our relationship.

At this point I am in a place where I am tired of dating and pursuing different men and I would just like one sexually satisfying relationship where we can  spend time together but still be present for our families.

I have found all this in My lover. 

Finally my heart feels content. But, as with any relationship, when you feel those inklings of love, there are bound to be ups and downs.