The Banker

Although J and I opened our marriage in the spring of 2015, I didn’t start online dating until the fall.  I immediately started chatting with two men. The first was The Banker. He was tall and very handsome. He was divorced 3 years and just looking for casual sex, which worked for what I was seeking at the time. Unfortunately something came up and I had to cancel. He was understanding about it and we continued chatting here and there but didn’t arrange another date. Soon enough I was dating someone else and deleted my Tinder profile. When that relationship ended I started and new profile on Tinder and again came across The Banker. We both matched again and quickly picked up taking again. Although we enjoyed catching up with one another we never arranged another date.

Fast forward two years and at least three times of me deleting my profile while dating someone and then recreating it. The Banker and I match each time and laugh about this as we play rounds of catch up with one another.  

Finally.. last month.. just after the break up with the Fireman, I have had enough of just catching up with the Banker and decided that I needed to finally meet this man, who until then, lived in my phone. 

I reached out to him via text and told him that we needed to meet. He was quickly in agreement and we were soon on the same page that this was going to be a meet and greet to also include a booty call if we both desired. 

We met at his home which was just as upscale as I imagined. He looked exactly like his photos..rugged yet endearing. He served me wine and told me that I looked and spoke exactly as he imagined after 2 years of text banter. We spent over 3 hours talking and laughing before he took me to his bedroom. His kissing was divine.. I adored his mouth.. but when his pants came off this was when I realized that he wasn’t going to be the FWB for me. 

I would normally argue that size doesn’t matter, that it shouldn’t matter but sadly it sometimes does. I know that the Banker enjoyed himself..his 10 minutes of hard breathing, rapid thrusting, grunts and groans suggested that he did, unfortunately it was not what I had hoped for. 

Some things really are better left to the imagination.

I have not heard a peep from the Fireman since our break up almost two weeks ago. Although I liked him more than he deserved I feel like I am managing well.

I have moments of sadness where I am over taken by memories of the good times we had together but then I use my training in CBT to do some self talk and change my thoughts (oh we seemed so right for each other) in hopes of changing my feelings (sorrow, heartache..the pull to avoid the pain) which then works to change my behavior (reaching out to him to remind him that we did have such good times). 

It helps that I have as many memories of shitty times with him as I do good…so it’s pretty easy to talk myself into not missing him. 

But those moments of missing him do still creep up on me.

I’ve been trying to keep myself busy by dating and having sex. It’s been entertaining and I will write more later in separate posts about my recent experiences. 

Right now I would like to focus on how hard it is to go through heart break while also helping your (recently) separated husband go through heartache of his own. And how weird it is when we are both not heart broken over one another. 

J has been super amazing while helping me deal with each of my breakups from the Fireman (we were on/off for months..it was ridiculous). As J and I are still sharing the house and coparenting the kids, he would run interference for me with the kids when he knew my heartache was impacting my energy and patience level. He never judged.. he was always so supportive. The only thing he said recently was “So I think that maybe this should be the last of the Fireman”. I had to agree. It’s not fair to my kids or to their understanding father for me to keep putting myself in a situation that causes such rise and fall of my emotional well being.

Recently J went through a break up of his own. A woman he had been spending a lot of time getting to know had decided to make things more official between herself and another man she was dating and thus meant pulling back from J. I could see what she was doing before he did and it broke my heart for him to know this break up was inevitable. 

I feel to blame for his sadness. I know that had I been able to remain in our marriage he would not be having to put himself out there in the dating world. I’ve been spending time now truing to manage the kids and the house more so that he can take time to heal. He just returned from a four day trip out west to see his best friend and he seems to have come back in better spirits, which is good as I feel like I am now slipping back into sadness over the fireman.

(I started this post last week..funny how emotions fluctuate in such a short period of time)