The Fireman…

The man who inspired the last post on heartbreak was a fun and energetic  Fireman. Or so I thought.

Well…he definitely was a Fireman…but it turned out he wasn’t as fun and energetic as he initially portrayed. 

In our early conversations we talked about the various things we wanted to do together, hiking, mountain biking, adventure races…but as time went on he admitted to me that many times he prefers to just sit in his garage and drink. Or sit on his couch and drink. Or get together with his family and drink. I’m sure we can all see the pattern here. 

The drinking wasn’t really much of a problem for me although I am not much of a drinker myself. It was more the fact that in the early weeks of our dating that he presented himself to be someone that he is not. I believe he was presenting himself as someone he would like to be and perhaps someone he thought I would want him to be but I don’t think he was intending to be so misleading.

I’m an active person and I like to do things to challenge myself, although I love a lazy day on the couch as much as the next person.  I enjoy being affectionate, spending time with a guy I am interested in and I like some level of daily contact to at least touch base and show interest…especially in the early days. The Fireman also portrayed himself in the same way and fed into my desires with daily contact…random “thinking about you” texts and through a lot of physical affection during our dates. 

My marriage was still considered “open” at that point and he told me repeatedly that he was okay with the situation and respected where I was at. But apparently this wasn’t the case.

Over the next couple of months he would begin to demonstrate some pursuing/fleeing behavior. He initially pulled away (fleeing) indicating that he was thinking of reuniting with an ex..only to change his mind and want me back. He then admitted that he wasn’t as okay with my open marriage as he thought he was and when we reunited it was after he found out that the marriage status wss chafing to “separated”.  

He pursued again for two weeks but then started to pull away again only to later disclose that he felt we were too different because I like to be active and busy where as he likes to lounge on his couch and in his garage etc. I talked about how balance is good and he began to pursue again, telling me that I would be good for his motivation to get out and do things. 

And then he pulled away again as he felt our differences in our sex drive and my desire for affection were too great. I am a touchy/feely person, and although he claimed in the beginning to be this way as well.. it turned out he wasn’t. He likes to climb into a shell and sit and think and when this is happening he doesn’t want to have to think of being affectionate towards someone else. When I asked for affection this caused him to pull away which in turn made me want to chase harder. What I was chasing was the man he claimed to be in the early weeks…but he was not truly that man. He acknowledged to me, as we ended things for the final time last week, that as strong as he started off with attention and affection, that it was just too much for him to maintain and he did not want to be expected to maintain that level of behavior. I understood but felt rejected at the same time. 

I really just wish people could be consistent in how they behave and present themselves. 

All in all I am doing okay as my infatuation with him starts to fade. I realize now that over the past few months I was changing myself to fit his needs and that is never a good sign. I like me…and if he chooses to let me go well then he never deserved me in the first place.

Changes…

So much has been going on since my last post. 

After this recent heart ache I realized that as much as my open marriage was helping to meet my sexual needs while keeping my family intact.. it wasn’t what I truly want.

I had to be completely honest with myself, and my husband, in that I wanted more. 

I want a full, loving, real relationship with a healthy sexual and emotional connection. In the open marriage I was finding some good sexual connections outside of my marriage but not able to realistically find an emotional connection. 

I told my husband of my revelation…that I now knew that one day I would leave him. I didn’t know when or for whom, but I didn’t want to keep this knowledge to myself or surprise him with it when it would eventually happen. I told him that while I do love him as a best friend, we couldn’t live like this forever, and we both deserved more from life. 

Being the amazing and caring man he is, combined with the fact that he knows me so well, he was able to understand how I was feeling and allowed me to take time to think about what I was suggesting.  While his preference was to keep going in our “open marriage” situation, he didn’t get angry when I uttered the worse “I want a formal separation”. 

So the past few months have been just that, us working towards an amicable separation. We have told our families, our close friends and co-workers and we explained things as best we could to the kids.

And here is where things get kind of weird…or weirder…we are going to continue sharing the house.

At this point we have realized that we have been living together as roommates so well why change what is working?? My bedroom has moved downstairs..its my own space and “our room” is now “his room”.  We continue to co-parent the kids and are flexible with each other’s dating schedules. I prefer to not bring any dates to my home..but I really don’t mind if his new girlfriend comes to the house after the kids are in bed on nights I am out. I am relieved that she seems to be a really nice woman. 

So that is where we are at. The kids seem to be adjusting well as their world has not really changed. They know mom and dad are best friends but are not in a marriage any longer. They are aware that amongst their friends their home home situation is likely the weirdest….but they really don’t seem to mind.  We all mess up our kids in some way or another…this at least gives them something to talk to their future therapists about. 

That time I fell in love in 2 weeks…

We met on Tinder, having both swiped right on July 16th. You initiated a chat the same day but I was hesitant at first and replied July 17th. We chatted casually and agreed we needed to meet. We exchanged cell phone numbers and arranged to meet the following Friday. Unfortunately something came up for me and we rescheduled to the next day but then something came up for you. We were both heading into holidays and did not want to wait until after so we agreed to meet for lunch on the 25th of July. We met and had lunch for 3 hours. It was the best lunch of my life. I could barely eat due to excitement at how well we clicked. It was difficult to end the date but I had to get back to work. You asked to give me a kiss goodbye but I was too nervous. I knew by that feeling alone that I REALLY liked you. 

We continued texting that day into the evening and then you sent me this:

“Before I let you go be mom I just want you to know that I totally understand and respect your family dynamic. My gut tells me we could have something very cool and special. I look forward to seeing if that manifests. Txt or call me anytime!!”  **(family dynamic is my open marriage)

And I swooned.

We talked daily for the next week while we were both away on holidays. We made many future plans and created a list of dates we wanted to have together. I told you I was writing it down and you said “do it!”.

I created our list:

-Sunday Aug 6th when I am back from cottage -walking around his home town
– Will see each other Aug 16th and 17th during the day when I take those days off work and we will go canoeing the one day and mountain biking the next 
-weekend in a city 4 hours away on Aug 25 to 27th to attend an adventure race. You said we would play tourists on Friday and Saturday and then have the race Sunday.
– We discussed having a date at the airport to people watch
– We joked about a road trip out east and whale watching 

On August 3rd you registered and paid for our entry to the Adventue race.  We talked about how it doesn’t feel weird or uncomfortable to be doing this so soon after just one date. It felt  normal.  You shared: “I more and more have a really great feeling about us. Always respecting and understanding your dynamic”

The next date was the day after I returned from the cottage, August 6th. You had injured yourself the night before and needed to go get checked at the hospital.  I ended up meeting you there to wait with you. Afterwards we went to your home where I met your daughter. You informed me that your sister said we could come out to her farm as I had previously told you that I wanted to see their animals. On the way to the farm you informed me that your mother was also there. We ended up spending over 6 hours with your family. Your mother and stepfather, your sister and brother in law were all amazing. I had so much fun.

That night we returned to your house and made out like teenagers. Between making out you told me that you wanted to confess 3 secrets to me that you were worried you might be judged for but you wanted me to know. We talked, and shared, and your secrets are safe with me, judgement free. 

You told me that the kissing was amazing. You said “I lose myself in you when we kiss”. Again, I swooned.

We agreed to hold off on sex. You told me you were happy to wait and would enjoy taking your time exploring my body for all my favorite places to be touched. 

We kissed goodbye but deep down I didn’t want to go. I wished in that moment to stay with you forever. Even though I know it’s silly to feel that way so soon..it ridiculous even…the pull of the chemistry was that strong.

The following week things seemed to change. The next day your texts were less frequent and you were slower to respond.  There were no more “thinking of you” texts that you had so frequently sent the two weeks before.  The good feeling in my stomach about us quickly turned to worry and dread. Something had changed. Texts I sent to you at night were going unanswered. By mid week you occasionally responded to a text but then not to the next. You said you were busy.

On Thursday you texted me that you were too busy to chat but would call me later as you had something you needed to tell me. My stomach fell.

You called and gently explained that you had been seeing a woman a few months back and that you had history with this woman. You stated your dating her had ended due to a problem you encountered together and that the communication was not what it should have been and things ended. She had reached out earlier this week asking to try again. You stumbled as you said “I…I think I may want to try again”. I told you I understood and thanked you for your honesty. You said you wanted to be able to stay in touch and check in on how I am doing. I said this would be fine…….as I slowly felt my heart breaking. 

I wanted to be with you. 

An Officer, not a gentleman….

At the same time as I met Mr.Passionless, months ago, I also met The Officer. I had started chatting with both men on the same day and quickly had first meeting dates with each of them, a day apart. I was open with them and explained that I was chatting with both of them. They were both great, funny and friendly guys. Within a week I was forming more of a connection with Mr.Passionless as he was texting more frequently and was very quick to ask me on a second date.

Although I am in an open marriage, I don’t juggle multiple partners well and I really prefer monogamy. I let The Officer know that I struggle with dating multiple people at once and that I wanted to see where things went with the other fellow, but that I had a great time getting to know him and wished him all the best.  He thanked me for my openness and honesty, stated that it was fun getting to know me and wished me luck.

A few months passed and the man I chose quickly turned to require the “Mr.Passionless” title and we stopped seeing each other. 

My mind then wandered to The Officer. After talking to a male friend who assured me The Officer would not be put off to hear from me, I reached out with a friendly text. The Officer quickly replied and we chatted about how work and life had been the last few months and then he quickly asked me if I wanted to get together again. I accepted.

The next week we met at his place and had a great time talking and laughing. Eventually he leaned in and kissed me..and proved to be an amazing kisser. Things progressed and although I had not planned on having sex with him, I gave into his persuasive advances and we had sex once at night and then again in the morning. It was okay..a little to fast for my liking and he is an incredibly silent person during sex…I wasn’t even certain that he had orgasmed when he finished.

I decided that I liked him enough to continue seeing him and see if the sex could improve. Over the next 10 days I slept over two more times and the sex improved slightly each time. I figured that eventually we would find our groove. I noticed, however, that his texting pattern had changed. Where he had previously been great at initiating conversation and asking what I was up to, it had turned to me always initiating and doing much of the inquiring.  He was less flirty and complimentary and then I realized I was the one asking to see him again. When he needed to cancel our last date due to work circumstances, I understood and noted that maybe we could get together the week after I returned from holidays but he had limited time that week. My last text was “well maybe some time mid month” and left it at that. He didn’t reply further and I have not heard from him since. It’s now been 2 weeks and I don’t think I will hear from him again. We are still connected on two social media sites but he hasn’t bothered to reach out to say hi or ask about my vacation. I also decided that I would not be initiating  contact as I had initiated everything in the last half of our breif dating and he is the one who had to cancel.

Is this what ghosting is?? I have never experienced this before and I have to say I am shocked and saddened by his sudden change of behavior and subsequent vanishing. I thought that at the very least he would have just let me know he wasn’t interested since he really seemed to appreciate how open and honest I had been with him. I guess manners don’t always work both ways.

Mr.Passionless

This post is a follow up to my Passion and Chemistry post about the man I started dating after my 8 month relationship with my Lover ended.

MrPassionless came into my life in March. He has a funny and friendly personality at first glance.  He is a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately the lack of kissing made for a serious lack of passion in the bedroom and this caused my interest in him to wane significantly. 
I find that because I am in an open marriage where we live together but do not have any intimacy, I crave this in my dating relationships. I NEED the desire, passion and chemistry. If it’s not there, what’s the point? 

So as my desire for Mr.Passionless started to fall flat, my annoyance at him in other areas started to become apparent. He would often message me making comments about my being online but too busy for him…and frequently commented that I would not spend enough time with him though I have spent more time woth him than anyone I have dated. Eventually I told him that he knew what time I could provide when we started seeing one another. He decided that it was best for him to start seeing other people (fine) but still wanted to sleep with me. Given that there qas so much missing in the passion department, the answer from me was a resounding “hell  no” and I bid him farewell. 

A letter to “B” – 2 years post affair

Just sitting here thinking that I really do miss what we had.

I don’t mean the amazing lengthy sex sessions. I more so mean the connection that we had.

As it turns out nice cocks and good stamina are not that hard to find…but it’s really hard to find someone who is able to take you on a good sexual journey together.

We started out our time together so basic in what we were doing…just kissing and fucking. From there we started getting closer and you managed to take me from being afraid to give you a bj in that parking lot in W(name of city)  to wanting to suck your cock anytime I was near it and wanting to swallow too. Together we progressed to sharing our fantasies and then moving on to living some of them out. Having fun with that ridiculous tub of lube, trying to rub our lubed bodies together without falling off the bed and breaking our necks, to visiting sex clubs, nude beaches and the failed attempt at a (not so) sexy foursome. I feel like all of that just evolved and came about so naturally without one of us rushing the other and was able to progress because of our trust and comfort with one another. I truly believe we had an amazing connection and part of me will always love  you.

Sorry for all the blathering…just having a melancholy moment realizing how very hard that connection is to find. I hope you’re well and had a wonderful birthday. xo

Passion and Chemistry 

For me the real way to determine chemistry is through kissing. 

I absolutely LOVE to kiss. I love long sessions of kissing and touching and exploring.  

During my 2+ year affair my AP and I started out fast and furious. We had a lot of chemistry and passion with a lot of kissing but this always quickly led to fucking.  We were not patient enough to take our time exploring each other. We went through a phase of kinky exploration and eventually returned to more vanilla activities with just slowing things down.. seeing how long we could kiss and touch for before both of us would explode. It was fun and involved SO MUCH KISSING.

My lover from last year was someone who also enjoyed kissing but often he was quick to want to get to the penetration with little exploration of each other’s bodies. Over our 8 months together we did eventually get to a point where we would experience the most passionate make out sessions. We had great sexual chemistry. It was during a kiss that we realized that we loved each other (though neither of us said the words til much later) and although we would have far to many heated verbal fights, these would be followed by the most passionate kissing.

I love the deep intense kissing that can follow an upsetting moment. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I initiated arguments in times when I wanted that adrenalin and high that occurred during the post argument make-up intimacy.

In my current world I seem to have found a man who doesn’t enjoy kissing and this is causing me to question our chemistry.

We are attracted to each other, the sex is good, but sadly it involves very little, if any, kissing. And I miss it.

I feel like the sex is sometimes just going through the motions with no real passion and Chemistry because I need his lips on mine to really feel that connection.

I have told him that this is the case, that I love kissing and his mouth on mine….sadly he has responded to this in an immature way and has made very little effort towards improving this. Perhaps he just doesn’t like kissing in general or maybe he doesn’t like kissing me in particular. I have tried to talk about this subject a few times….thinking that if he doesn’t like kissing in general then I would not take it personally and I would stop wanting this so much…but he just chooses to turn it into me being too demanding in needing affection.

I’m torn as to what to do. I enjoy his company and he has been fun to be around. 

But the kissing. I clearly am not getting enough of it and I miss it. I miss that feeling of great passion. I guess I just don’t know if it’s worth giving up all the other great qualities for. I’m not sure. But God, what I wouldn’t give for one deep passionate, emotionally connecting kiss right now.

Time flies

I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I also can’t believe that it was only two days after my last post that I met another man who took my mind off of my heartbreak. 

It’s funny how that happens.

I still have occasional chats with my lover but I have no desire to reunite with him. Looking back on our 8 months together I realize it was a lot of work to keep up with his behavior of being close and then distancing himself. He still doesn’t view his behavior as being negative in anyway and continues to “blame” me for ending our relationship because I “wanted too much”. I have given up trying to explain my perspective..he doesn’t see it.

As for the new fellow..we met on a dating app and chatted for all of one day before deciding to meet in person. He is hilarious…he makes me smile and laugh frequently during our dates. He has his issues…as I also have mine…but for now we have been enjoying each other’s company and having such a good time. 

Grief 

I’m currently cycling through the stages of grief like a tornado of destructive emotions. Funny how i can feel all the stages at one time. 

Denial – I tell myself he is going to regret this and reach out to me in a moment of sadness, wanting me back (I know he won’t).

Anger – Angry that three weeks ago he told me he missed me so much even before I drove away, to the point he felt separation anxiety. Only to reveal to me now (3 weeks later) that he was thinking he needs a break from the physical act of dating…that he wanted to not go on dates for awhile. Angry that he gives me emotion and love only to take it away when I feel at my happiest.

Bargaining – telling myself that maybe I can be less needy…that I can give him more space and accept whatever little attention he throws my way between his “moody periods” (so pathetic sounding I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Depression – the sadness. Oh the fucking sadness. Do I have to get out of bed??
 
Acceptance – Yeah. I’m not there yet.

Heart Break

It was the best of times

It was the worst of times

And now I feel numb

I think I might be experiencing shock but at the same time I am not surprised at all. Is that possible?

It seems that my happiness with my lover was always meant to be short lived. To happen in small doses and then be followed by a complete crashing of emotions…and lots of pain. 

We had a great time away together. Two nights…the Saturday spent skiing..followed by a lovely dinner made together and lots of wine. Sex multiple times each day.

When we got back to the car park at the end of our travels together and I left him brushing the snow off of his car, I pulled away thinking of how happy I was. He messaged me later to tell me that he had a weird feeling of separation anxiety before getting into his car, that he was missing me already even before he drove away. My heart melted reading those words. He has such an ability to melt my heart. 

He also has such an ability to break it. 

Two weeks I was able to live on the high from that weekend. Feeling like we were in such a solid place. I had my husband and my kids in my real world and I had my lover in my other life. The life of less responsibility..of dating and fun. It felt perfect. 

But then he had a fight with his wife and his mood quickly deteriorated. He said it had nothing to do with me but he continued to pull away. I didn’t hear “I miss you” or “I love you” anymore. I didn’t hear affection in his tone. Of course I confronted him on the fact that he was again pulling away from me. He didn’t deny that he was but couldn’t explain why it was happening. We arranged an overnight and it felt different. It felt like he was going through the motions. I was as well. When I sense my partner doesn’t care, or is losing feelings for me, my passion and burning lust begins to fade and I just can’t give more than I receive.

I have needed to stop giving. I needed to give up. 

We talked about how things are going and he admitted that he wasn’t sure what his feelings for me were at this point. He felt he would miss me terribly and be miserable without me but that he couldn’t give me enough emotion to have me stay. He was willing to let me go. That was all that I needed to hear.

And now I grieve.