In all honesty

I had started chatting with  both muscles and my new Friend almost immediately after my lover and I ended things so that he could pursue other relationship experiences.  I had been clear with what I needed. I want a monogamous relationship  (in addition to my marriage). I have zero interest in dating a large volume of men. I want one man that I adore whom I can explore with sexually. He was also open about his need to see what else was out there..as being tied down right at the beginning of opening his marriage wasn’t something that he was sure he wanted. Fair enough. 

1 week after our separation he reached out. He missed me, and I him. Nothing had changed for either of us, however, and we still couldn’t meet each other’s needs. I didn’t want to share him and he wanted to explore. 

I was already chatting with Muscles and my friend at this point but hadn’t made any plans to meet them in person. When we decided to stop contact again something in me snapped. I felt this urge to rebel and act out sexually and that is what I did. I almost immediately arranged first meeting dates with both men in the same week. This dates quickly progressed to sexual intimacy but in the end I still found myself missing my Lover.

Around the one month mark I reached out to say hi. Although I was not actually “over him”, I thought that I could actually pursue friendship with him. I found that the thought of him being intimate with someone else didn’t bother me as much as it had when we started our “break”. I wanted to know how he was doing and if that meant hearing that he was happily pursuing things with someone else, so be it.

Although I wanted more with him, I missed our daily chats and being a part of each other’s world. Fortunately he felt the same.

Making (out) Friends 

Around the same time I connected with Muscles..I also made a connection with another man I can now call my Friend. He has been in an open marriage for well over a decade and has found it easier to speak in terms of “friendships”. 

Where I might say “I’m going out on a date” he would say “I’m spending time with a friend”. While I understand that this terminology works for him and his wife, I found it difficult to get used to.  We had been chatting a few weeks before finally meeting in person and when he would say he was going out with friends or a friend  I would never know if he meant an actual friend or a date. A few times I clarified and it turns out it was just with an actual friend, but I hated how clarifying really highlighted my insecurity.

I have to say that my Friend is an absolute sweet heart. Hilarious and kind, flirty and fun. He is quick with the compliments buy not insincere. Our coffee date went so well we decided to get together later that week to see how far our chemistry extended. There was no pressure for intimacy and he made it clear that I could take it as slow as I needed to. 

As I was still reeling from the loss of my Lover, I moved things along farther with my Friend than I should have.  We were intimate twice over the course of the month that I was seeing him. The sex was fun and he was incredibly attentive. I loved it. The second time we were together we visited a sex club that he and his wife frequent with friends. We hung out fully clothed in the main bar area and I met his wife, her Friend and other couples they have known for years. It was a good evening and ended with my Friend and I having some pretty energetic sex in one of the private rooms. I wasn’t yet ready a public display and of course he was willing to go at my speed.

The thing with my Friend is that he is a fabulous guy; makes contact daily, makes me laugh regularly, keeps me apprised of the goings on in his life and asks me about me.

My Friend is perfect, except for one glitch. 

He isn’t my Lover.

We shall call him “muscles”….

I decided to swipe right on a whim. He had such an amazing body and gorgeous face; I knew he was out of my league but thought “what the hell”.

Instantly there was a match. 

So that was an interesting turn of events. 

He messaged me first, making some sort of comment about how he found my “situation” interesting. I am honest in my profile that I am in  an open marriage. It’s usually a good conversation starter. 

We chatted for quite awhile and the banter and flow was nice. After a couple of days of chatting we switched to text and made a date to meet for coffee. 

We met at a coffee place not far from my home. We arrived at the same time and he greeted me with a hug in the parking lot. Even through his jacket I could feel his bulging bicep. Rock hard. I was definitely interested in seeing if the rest was just as hard.

The conversation was fun and full of laughter. We have similarly aged children and talked a lot about family. It was nice. After a couple of hours we parted ways with a promise to see one another again. 

Within the week we had plans to go out for a drink. The drink was quick and we made our way back to his place. Sitting on his couch we were facing each other. I continued to find excuses to touch him.

I have always dated guys with some muscles but never someone with so little body fat. He was so incredibly lean that I found it a turn on to think of touching that body naked..to feel that strength while in the throes of passion. Sadly, the reality didn’t quite measure up to the fantasy. 

While we talked on the couch he leaned in and told me he wanted to kiss me. Of course I leaned in and whispered “then do it”.

This was the first let down. 

It was like kissing a chicken who was pecking at its feed. Rapidly he would go in for the kiss and just as quickly pull away. Then back in again, over and over like he was pecking at my face. Quickly he escalated to telling me “oh you’re so hot, oh you’re so sexy”..over and over between pecks. His hands were roaming rapidly all over my body as though we were experiencing some hot passionate love affair. 

Maybe he was??? I’m certain that I wasn’t. 

While all of this was happening to my face and my body, I was feeling bewildered, perplexed, and a little like I was caught up in some cheesy porn that I was not given the script to. At one point I burst out laughing. 

Although I found his way of making out to be completely amusing…I decided to allow this event to continue because frankly, his body just looked so damn amazing and I wanted the experience. If anything it was going to be chalked up to a little science experiment…to see what a completely lean muscle bound hottie was like in bed. Yes, I have my shallow moments.

I suggested that we make our way to his room and he practically lept from the couch.

I would like to say that the actual act of sex far surpassed my expectations, but unfortunately what started downstairs just became worse in bed.  I don’t even know how to describe it. When we got into the room he undressed himself and laid back on his bed, leaving me to undress myself. I did so and then climbed on top of him. I tried to lean over and kiss him but he kept up with the “pecking at my face” style of kissing so I gave up and made my way down his body and performed a pretty half decent blow job. He was quite verbally appreciative, which I love. Eventually I asked him to get a condom, which he did and then he laid back down on his back. From there I climbed on top and attempted to enjoy myself but the rapid”pecking” he does with his mouth he also does with his cock. You would think that with being on top I could control things more and move in ways that I find enjoyable, but this was not the case.

We moved into a variety of positions, ultimately ending up in missionary but it was very clear to me that the chemistry was lacking. I’m just not so sure it was as obvious to him. He kept rapidly repeating “you’re so sexy, so hot, you turn me on” etc but in spite of his exuberance, I just wasn’t feeling it. 

Now the one saving grace was that as big and hard as his muscles are, his cock was just as generous. Muscles was certainly built.

After the event was over we laid in bed and chatted for a bit. While Muscles left a lot to be desired in the sex department, he is fantastic at making conversation. 

Eventually we fell asleep not even touching. 

Sadness 

Although I know it’s for the best it still royally sucks. 

I really liked spending time with My Lover..I loved his gentleness and the fact that he really isn’t tainted by the cruelty of the dating world. He is not jaded about women and dating and I do believe he doesn’t want to hurt anyone.

It’s those parts which I will miss. 

The parts of him that are burned out by an unhappy marriage, stressed out by some delusion that parenting should be easy and full of free time, and just plain miserable because he takes everything for granted….yes those parts I won’t miss at all.

But overall I will miss him.

We have decided to “take a break”. Essentially he feels that since I am the first woman he dated upon opening his marriage, he is missing out on something. Honestly I cannot blame him. His wife gave him the key to the candy store and the first piece of candy won’t let him indulge any further and wants to be the only one he tastes.

We are just in such different places in our journeys. I have dated enough to know that I am tired of it and would like one really sexually fulfilling relationship to call my own. He has only just begun and would like to explore. I don’t blame him and I can’t hold him back.

For this reason we are having no contact for one month. If at the end of the month he decides he enjoys his freedom he won’t contact me and will just wait for me to reach out as a friend to say hi. Should he desire a relationship with me then he will contact me after his month of exploration and if I am available then we will proceed from there. 

As much as I don’t care to jump into dating again I am going to head right back into it. I am feeling hurt and restless and I need a distraction.

Not only am I hurt that I am not enough for My Lover I am devastated at his parting comment after we decided to take this break.

He wrote:

“I love you. I know it doesn’t change anything between us right now, but I just wanted you to know”

And with that we said goodbye. 

Sept 19

I hate feeling this way.

He goes from hot to cold so fast and it makes me wonder if something else is going on. But he has given me no reason to distrust him so I can’t even ask “is there someone else you are chasing?”.

Wednesday morning we are talking and he says “does it feel like we have been getting closer in the last few weeks? Maybe it’s the natural progression of dating and getting to know one another but it feels like that to me and it’s nice”. I agreed with the feeling and we continued talking more.

Wednesday night we meet and I give him a fantastic blow job in his car. After licking and sucking him to completion I had intended to leave and go home but when his lips touched mine to say goodbye the passion wouldn’t let me go.

I have to say that in the backseat of his car we had some of our best kissing to date. Like amazing kissing. He then proceeded to fuck me silly before finally conceding that we needed to leave.

The next day he was so happy and was sending messages saying what a great time he had. Then in the evening he sends a message of a recording of a snippet of a song he likes which has a lyric stating “I’m ready for your love”. He explained that when he was driving home he heard that line and thought of me.

He also added:
“You did something to me yesterday. I don’t know what witchcraft that was but it was something.  I’m not sure I should let you give me BJs lol”

He was very sweet and affectionate the rest of Thursday. Then Friday morning he wakes up tired and is grumpy with a headache and a cold sore. We met at the hotel as planned that evening and although we had sex three times, there was no kissing due to the cold sore (I get them on my mouth as well so it was really not a deterrent to still having intercourse). This occasion, however, things felt distant and impersonal. 

Saturday we parted with a hug and things have not been the same since.  In our chats he feels distant and not affectionate. There are few kissy smileys, no calling me beautiful or by the affectionate nickname he has for me..etc. 

It just hurts. 

September 

This is a month of some ups and downs for us. 

This month I learned that although we are exclusive, he has still indulged in having online profiles and continued chatting with women he chatted to before our date. Of course he says that he is “just looking at pictures” but I feel like it could mean something more. Only time will tell.

When lovers speak

I started saving snippets of our conversations about one month into our dating. I had noticed that there were some genuinely sweet comments My Lover would make to me and I wanted to hold onto them. 

I really wish I had started doing that sooner. There was something he said to me after our first date that I wish I could recall exactly as he said it. 

Our first date was at a restaurant in my city, where I live and he works. Through dinner the conversation flowed and I noticed him looking at me, but not in a way that would indicate that he was “checking me out”. We didn’t touch at all and when we said goodbye in the parking lot afterwards we had a brief awkward hug. In all honestly I was not sure what he thought of me or even  what I thought of him. There weren’t any major “sparks” but it felt “nice”.

The  next day when we were talking about our first meeting he said that during dinner he felt quite “taken” with me…that he found he just enjoyed watching me talk and eat..and that he found it charming how I would tuck my hair behind my ear while chatting. He also made a comment about liking things about me that he never had thought he enjoyed previously. Now, I am not quite sure what these things are and I never asked at the time, but I can only assume that it’s related to my very casual sense of style. His wife is very fashionable and trendy. I, on the other hand, am more of a ‘jeans and T-shirt’ sort of girl. I don’t wear much makeup (usually none) and rarely wear jewelery. My “dressing up” for the date was probably what he may consider “very casual”. I’ve always felt conscious of the idea that maybe he would prefer someone who is more professional and done up, but he has never brought this up. 

But back to the snippets. I love this collection of sweet thoughts and sentiments I have collected.  They helped me get through the few emotionally difficult moments we have had and they serve as a reminder that although I won’t ever be able to have him for my own…I do have these moments in time.