Mr.Passionless

This post is a follow up to my Passion and Chemistry post about the man I started dating after my 8 month relationship with my Lover ended.

MrPassionless came into my life in March. He has a funny and friendly personality at first glance.  He is a lot of fun to be around. Unfortunately the lack of kissing made for a serious lack of passion in the bedroom and this caused my interest in him to wane significantly. 
I find that because I am in an open marriage where we live together but do not have any intimacy, I crave this in my dating relationships. I NEED the desire, passion and chemistry. If it’s not there, what’s the point? 

So as my desire for Mr.Passionless started to fall flat, my annoyance at him in other areas started to become apparent. He would often message me making comments about my being online but too busy for him…and frequently commented that I would not spend enough time with him though I have spent more time woth him than anyone I have dated. Eventually I told him that he knew what time I could provide when we started seeing one another. He decided that it was best for him to start seeing other people (fine) but still wanted to sleep with me. Given that there qas so much missing in the passion department, the answer from me was a resounding “hell  no” and I bid him farewell. 

A letter to “B” – 2 years post affair

Just sitting here thinking that I really do miss what we had.

I don’t mean the amazing lengthy sex sessions. I more so mean the connection that we had.

As it turns out nice cocks and good stamina are not that hard to find…but it’s really hard to find someone who is able to take you on a good sexual journey together.

We started out our time together so basic in what we were doing…just kissing and fucking. From there we started getting closer and you managed to take me from being afraid to give you a bj in that parking lot in W(name of city)  to wanting to suck your cock anytime I was near it and wanting to swallow too. Together we progressed to sharing our fantasies and then moving on to living some of them out. Having fun with that ridiculous tub of lube, trying to rub our lubed bodies together without falling off the bed and breaking our necks, to visiting sex clubs, nude beaches and the failed attempt at a (not so) sexy foursome. I feel like all of that just evolved and came about so naturally without one of us rushing the other and was able to progress because of our trust and comfort with one another. I truly believe we had an amazing connection and part of me will always love  you.

Sorry for all the blathering…just having a melancholy moment realizing how very hard that connection is to find. I hope you’re well and had a wonderful birthday. xo

Passion and Chemistry 

For me the real way to determine chemistry is through kissing. 

I absolutely LOVE to kiss. I love long sessions of kissing and touching and exploring.  

During my 2+ year affair my AP and I started out fast and furious. We had a lot of chemistry and passion with a lot of kissing but this always quickly led to fucking.  We were not patient enough to take our time exploring each other. We went through a phase of kinky exploration and eventually returned to more vanilla activities with just slowing things down.. seeing how long we could kiss and touch for before both of us would explode. It was fun and involved SO MUCH KISSING.

My lover from last year was someone who also enjoyed kissing but often he was quick to want to get to the penetration with little exploration of each other’s bodies. Over our 8 months together we did eventually get to a point where we would experience the most passionate make out sessions. We had great sexual chemistry. It was during a kiss that we realized that we loved each other (though neither of us said the words til much later) and although we would have far to many heated verbal fights, these would be followed by the most passionate kissing.

I love the deep intense kissing that can follow an upsetting moment. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I initiated arguments in times when I wanted that adrenalin and high that occurred during the post argument make-up intimacy.

In my current world I seem to have found a man who doesn’t enjoy kissing and this is causing me to question our chemistry.

We are attracted to each other, the sex is good, but sadly it involves very little, if any, kissing. And I miss it.

I feel like the sex is sometimes just going through the motions with no real passion and Chemistry because I need his lips on mine to really feel that connection.

I have told him that this is the case, that I love kissing and his mouth on mine….sadly he has responded to this in an immature way and has made very little effort towards improving this. Perhaps he just doesn’t like kissing in general or maybe he doesn’t like kissing me in particular. I have tried to talk about this subject a few times….thinking that if he doesn’t like kissing in general then I would not take it personally and I would stop wanting this so much…but he just chooses to turn it into me being too demanding in needing affection.

I’m torn as to what to do. I enjoy his company and he has been fun to be around. 

But the kissing. I clearly am not getting enough of it and I miss it. I miss that feeling of great passion. I guess I just don’t know if it’s worth giving up all the other great qualities for. I’m not sure. But God, what I wouldn’t give for one deep passionate, emotionally connecting kiss right now.

Time flies

I can’t believe it’s been two months already. I also can’t believe that it was only two days after my last post that I met another man who took my mind off of my heartbreak. 

It’s funny how that happens.

I still have occasional chats with my lover but I have no desire to reunite with him. Looking back on our 8 months together I realize it was a lot of work to keep up with his behavior of being close and then distancing himself. He still doesn’t view his behavior as being negative in anyway and continues to “blame” me for ending our relationship because I “wanted too much”. I have given up trying to explain my perspective..he doesn’t see it.

As for the new fellow..we met on a dating app and chatted for all of one day before deciding to meet in person. He is hilarious…he makes me smile and laugh frequently during our dates. He has his issues…as I also have mine…but for now we have been enjoying each other’s company and having such a good time. 

Grief 

I’m currently cycling through the stages of grief like a tornado of destructive emotions. Funny how i can feel all the stages at one time. 

Denial – I tell myself he is going to regret this and reach out to me in a moment of sadness, wanting me back (I know he won’t).

Anger – Angry that three weeks ago he told me he missed me so much even before I drove away, to the point he felt separation anxiety. Only to reveal to me now (3 weeks later) that he was thinking he needs a break from the physical act of dating…that he wanted to not go on dates for awhile. Angry that he gives me emotion and love only to take it away when I feel at my happiest.

Bargaining – telling myself that maybe I can be less needy…that I can give him more space and accept whatever little attention he throws my way between his “moody periods” (so pathetic sounding I just threw up in my mouth a little)

Depression – the sadness. Oh the fucking sadness. Do I have to get out of bed??
 
Acceptance – Yeah. I’m not there yet.

Heart Break

It was the best of times

It was the worst of times

And now I feel numb

I think I might be experiencing shock but at the same time I am not surprised at all. Is that possible?

It seems that my happiness with my lover was always meant to be short lived. To happen in small doses and then be followed by a complete crashing of emotions…and lots of pain. 

We had a great time away together. Two nights…the Saturday spent skiing..followed by a lovely dinner made together and lots of wine. Sex multiple times each day.

When we got back to the car park at the end of our travels together and I left him brushing the snow off of his car, I pulled away thinking of how happy I was. He messaged me later to tell me that he had a weird feeling of separation anxiety before getting into his car, that he was missing me already even before he drove away. My heart melted reading those words. He has such an ability to melt my heart. 

He also has such an ability to break it. 

Two weeks I was able to live on the high from that weekend. Feeling like we were in such a solid place. I had my husband and my kids in my real world and I had my lover in my other life. The life of less responsibility..of dating and fun. It felt perfect. 

But then he had a fight with his wife and his mood quickly deteriorated. He said it had nothing to do with me but he continued to pull away. I didn’t hear “I miss you” or “I love you” anymore. I didn’t hear affection in his tone. Of course I confronted him on the fact that he was again pulling away from me. He didn’t deny that he was but couldn’t explain why it was happening. We arranged an overnight and it felt different. It felt like he was going through the motions. I was as well. When I sense my partner doesn’t care, or is losing feelings for me, my passion and burning lust begins to fade and I just can’t give more than I receive.

I have needed to stop giving. I needed to give up. 

We talked about how things are going and he admitted that he wasn’t sure what his feelings for me were at this point. He felt he would miss me terribly and be miserable without me but that he couldn’t give me enough emotion to have me stay. He was willing to let me go. That was all that I needed to hear.

And now I grieve. 

3.5 months

The months following our break up and rekindling of our romance were  not without our ups and downs. 

The first month was amazing. He showed me and told me how much he missed me and loved me. Hotel rooms were decorated by him with candles and soft music. His physical affection towards me was out of this world. I could feel the shift that now in our intimate times we were making love…this was no longer just fucking. 

But just before Christmas it all broke apart. Again. He had seemed to start to grow distant. Then he went to a Christmas party where he says a woman flirted with him and he felt badly that he couldn’t flirt back. I suggested that perhaps this meant that he needed to be free to date other people. I was hurt and he was angry. We argued back and forth for a couple of days and things turned ugly when he decided to share all of our fight details with his wife and then he would share with me the things that she was saying about our fight. He had also told me in that same time that he and his wife had sex with one another the night of the Christmas party. They had not been having sex for about a year.His wife decided that perhaps I was upset that they had been intimate, which was entirely NOT the case..but he decided that she was right and that my feelings of upset were related to this. They weren’t. I wasn’t insecure about his relationship with her..I was insecure in the thought that he wanted to flirt and still date others but wasn’t being up front about this.

In the weeks after our fight we managed to make up and things returned to loving behavior from him. I was able to feel secure again and we had our fun night with me in charge . This bonded us more yet again and I felt great about where our relationship was at.

Unfortunately my lover is a moody creature with many ups and downs. Again he started to pull away. I shared with him about how this made me feel. How unwanted it left me and that I wished for some uninterrupted time with him. He assured me that regardless of the funk he was in, the fights he was having at home, that he did want to be in our relationship.  We planned a ski weekend away and I was on top of the world.

Casual Sex

Things felt very different after our lunch date. My Love was very attentive and verbally affectionate. It was clear that he missed me and what we shared but he continued to struggle with being tied down. 

At this point I was still seeing both Muscles and My Friend and was not about to give up those options to be in an uncertain relationship with my Love. If he needed there to be no restrictions placed on him, then there would be none on me as well. 

At this point I was fine with dating My Love while we both also dated others. Having found my two other options made the idea of My Love being out on a date with someone else more bearable. Although I felt no real love interest in either man, Muscles and his weird make-out style was entertaining…as was the fact that he was well endowed, and my Friend was just fun and nice to talk to. 

My Love had a much harder time at this stage than I. For weeks he struggled with the knowledge that I was seeing other men, yet he didn’t want to commit to exclusivity.  I think what he really wanted was something with no labels and for me to just give up my other men. This was not going to happen unless we both considered ourselves exclusive and I told him so.

Eventually My Love came to the conclusion that he no longer could live with sharing me. He stated that he had told the other women he was seeing/chatting with, that he was only going to be seeing me and we labelled ourselves exclusive yet again.

I was happy that My Love came to this decision on his own, without demands or coercion by me…but my worry that it wasn’t truly what he wanted would prove to be our much bigger problem.

On being dominant

I wrote this in January….

I am writing this as I get ready for a fun night of power exchange play with my love.

Quite honestly, I would never think that in sexual role playing I would ever play the dominant. While I am dominant in my real life and my work..I tend to want to be taken care of and nurtured by my sexual partner. 

My love most certainly has dominant traits and apparently a hand that loves spanking..and usually during our love making he refers to me being his “good little girl”. And I swoon. He also has a submissive side that he yearns to let loose..so tonight we shall indulge this.

I have a bustier that I bought years ago when I was going to try to spice up my marriage, but my husband never saw it. It has sat in the bag at the bottle of my closet for 3 years. It is not really the proper colors for a dominant…it is cream with red flowers..but I feel matching it with my black leather strap on and some black heels in addition to my black and red crops might just fit what I need it for right now. 

I am so nervous. We have set our safe word and for months now have talked about his submissive desires so I am pretty sure I will be doing what he likes but I do worry that it won’t be good enough. I know he would enjoy a real experience with a dominatrix but I am just not sure if that is me. 

I guess tonight we will find out!

On love..

We started our “break” with my Love telling me that he loved me. This was a shock to me as although I knew that he cared..he had also told me for months that “love” not going to happen to/with him…he didn’t feel he had the capacity to have those feelings outside of his marriage and family. I was meant to be a piece of happiness on the side. Not make my way to his heart. 

All along I was okay with this and I understood his position. So when he typed those words “Sassy I love you”..I was shocked, happy and angry..all at once. 

Here I was having come to the conclusion weeks earlier that he was firmly in my heart, but I would never share it for fear of scaring him away..for fear of being too much. And here he was, telling me what I longed to hear just as he was walking away.

And I let him walk away because he needed to explore. I couldn’t make him mine.

So when  we talked again..one month later, I didn’t bring it up.  We confessed missing each other and wanted to save a friendship but could not offer each other more than that. 

We met for lunch and caught up on our lives. We met at an out of the way lunch spot that was far from both of our work places so that we could hug if we needed to. Boy did we need to. The sizzle in the air would have been obvious to anyone around us.  I think I spent most of the lunch staring at his face. Memorizing his expressions, listening to his stories. My heart thumping wildly each time his hand would brush mine. 

We sat in my car to say good bye at the end of our lunch. Simultaneously we leaned in for a good bye kiss that turns out was the most passion and heart felt kiss I have ever experienced. As he reached for the door handle he whispered “I meant what I said you know”…and I returned the sentiment with an “I love you too” as he closed the door.