Given the pattern of back and forth with the fireman, my therapist suggested that I have a response prepared for if he reaches out again. His pattern has been to pull away.. I end things and then he comes back and wants to talk it out where he then assures me that he is the person he was in the beginning..only to pull away again a couple weeks later. My pattern has been to let him go but then readily accept him back when he professes his adoration for me and wants another chance. He and I are both equally a hot mess. 

So here is what I will say if he tries one more time:

I’m sorry, I just can’t. We both know how much I liked you and upon further reflection I don’t think I was treated in a way that I deserved from someone who claimed to like me.

When we first met I was truly and whole heartedly myself. I am fun and funny, honest and “cheeky” as you called it. I dont take myself too seriously and I like to have fun and joke around and be playful. That is who I am. That is who I was when we met and for the first few weeks but because of the way you treated me..I began to change and I don’t like who I became. She wasn’t me. 

When I realized that you were judging the things I was saying and using them as reasons to pull away from me without even talking to me and clarifying with me, I began to be more thoughtful in what I was saying and doing. I was trying to not be too affectionate because I learned you were not really as affectionate when sober as you claimed to be when drunk. I began to joke around less as I became nervous that you were judging me and finding me failing. I curbed my sarcasm so as not to hurt your feelings. I just wasn’t free to be myself as I was so focused on showing you that it was okay for you to be who you actually were. It’s pretty ironic that in my pursuit of showing you that I accepted who you are, I lost myself.

So no, I don’t want to have another talk or another “restart”. We tried enough and I was left hurt and feeling uncared for. I do not intend to be that girl again

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40 something mother just trying to figure out what happiness is.

7 thoughts on “”

  1. I can so identify with the back and forth. I keep pushing J away and then wanting him to fill that void. He’s just too easy. I think I need more complicated relationships with men. When they are easy I pull away. HELP! 🙄🙄


    1. I read some where that when someone wants us (too much) it feels too easy and then we question what is wrong with him/her and place less value on that person. That often people place a higher value on something that seems to be more challenging. I think that is what happened with the Fireman. The minute I wanted him back he stopped pursuing and did nothing to deserve me…but I was hooked already.
      As for you and J…be careful how many times you push away..eventually he could stay away for good

      Liked by 1 person

      1. The problem is, we’ve become very good friends as well as lovers. Six years is a long time. I don’t think I care if we’re no longer lovers, I don’t want to lose him as a friend.


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